fuck my life

30 11 2009

Når jeg kjeder meg liker jeg å titte. Titte på facebook, titte på nettaviser, titte på tv, titte rundt på nettet generelt. En av mine yndlingssider er fuck my life (fml). Så utrolig mye morsomt, trist og rart folk opplever! Her er noen favoritter jeg fant da jeg var innom der nå:

» Today, I took the bus to work and a sweet old lady got on after me and sat next to me. Halfway to work, she fell asleep and her head was on my shoulder. Trying to be nice, I gently tried to wake her up before my stop came. She wasn’t sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML. «

» Today, I bit my boyfriend’s neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML. «

» Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML. «

» Today, it’s decided, I’m going on diet. For real. But I said that yesterday. And the day before. FML. »

» Today, it’s my 18th birthday. My parents got me a $5 gift certificate to Itunes. It came for free with the iPhone they just bought my sister for her middle school graduation. FML. «

» Today, my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later I got a text saying «I just dropped the b*tch off I’ll be there in a few baby, miss you». I asked him about it he said «I don’t know what you’re talking about Megan». My name isn’t Megan. Not even close. FML. «

» Today, my friend accidentally left her facebook logged onto my computer after she left my house. I looked on her facebook and found a very long message between her and my other friends talking about how much they hate me. FML. »

» Today, I went to my first strip club for my friends birthday. I also found out what my girlfriend does for a living. FML. »

» Today, I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. He replied saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam. FML. «

» Today, I had to make up a story about my «friends» at school so my mom doesn’t keep telling I’m a loser. FML. »

» Today, I woke up and looked in the mirror and noticed that my face was covered in glitter. I asked my wife about it and she said she put it on me while I was sleeping so that I would sparkle like Edward from Twilight when I’m in the sunlight. FML. «

» Today, after burning all my past-papers, books and notes in celebration of finishing maths forever, I found out I have to re-take my maths exam to get the minimum grade for college. FML. »

» Today, I was at a dinner with my dad’s girlfriend’s family. I met this guy who I found kind of cute and tried to talk to him a couple times. To avoid talking to me he started playing his PSP. I could see the screen perfectly and the PSP was clearly off. FML. «

» Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me «Stop!» The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML. «

» Today, my friend had to take my cat who has a tumor to be put down when I wasn’t home since I couldn’t bare to take him myself. I have two cats. He took the wrong one. FML. »

» Today, I went over to my boyfriend’s apartment and I smelled a delicious aroma as a walked in so I asked him what he was cooking. His response was, «I’m not cooking anything. I just farted.» FML. «

» Today, I was wearing my workout clothes that consist of short shorts and a tank top and was walking to my car. I then heard a bunch of men whistling and saying «Who’s your daddy?» and «Why don’t you come over here, cutie.» As I got closer I realized that it was my dad and his friends. FML. «

Puh! Det var mange, men jeg klarte ikke å velge ut færre.
Og så det obligatoriske spørsmålet i slutten av et innlegg; Har du noen sider du titter innom når du er i titte-humør?

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bilde: weheartit.com





flaut

27 11 2009

Jeg har dødd litt inni meg. Alltid greier jeg å drite meg ut.
Forleden kveld kom jeg sent hjem fra skolen. Klokken nærmet seg 11, men jeg måtte jo ha meg noe mat før jeg skulle legge meg! (jeg er et matmonster av og til…) Valget falt på grillet laks og grønnsaker. Så stod jeg der og lagde maten, da, og ante fred og ingen fare.

Så.

UIUIUIUIUIUIUIUIUIUIUIUIUIUIUIUI!!!!!

Det var brannalarmen. F*en. Jeg fikk helt noia. Hvor er mobilen? Hva er nummeret til brannvesenet? Hva heter jeg? Det var skikkelig ekkelt. Det er knappe to måneder siden jeg flyttet sammen med samboeren min i leiligheten, så jeg ante virkelig ikke hva jeg skulle gjøre! Jeg saumfarte bokhyllen og fant endelig arket med informasjon om brannvarslerne.

«Trykk på kvitteringsknappen», stod det. (Eller «kvitterings knappen». Gad, jeg hater orddeling). Men hvor i helvette er kvitteringsknappen? Det visste hverken jeg eller samboeren min, og før vi ante ordet av det hadde alle som bodde i hele blokken løpt ned og ut på gaten. Jeg hadde bare lyst til å grave meg ned i bakken.

Det tok en hel time før det dukket opp en vakt fra Securitas som hjalp oss med å skru av brannalarmen i blokken. Høygravide damer og gamle menn skulte stygt på meg da de gikk forbi. Og så, etter at alle hadde gått, DA sier vakten at brannalarmen ikke startet hos oss likevel! Nice timing. Alle hater oss nå.

Faktisk er det så ille, at da jeg skulle ta heisen ned morgenen etter, valgte den flotte herremannen som stod der å sende meg morderblikket, himle med øynene, sukke overdrevent høyt og dermed snu seg for å ta trappene i stedet.

Jeg tar det som et hint til at jeg ikke kan ha så mange fester i nærmeste fremtid.

 

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bilde: weheartit.com





velkommen!

27 11 2009

Hei!

Da har jeg også hevet meg på denne trenden… Tanken på å ha et eget, anonymt sted å skrive ned alt jeg tenker på samtidig som jeg får oppdaget flere blogger fristet såpass at jeg bare måtte prøve =)

 

i ♥ it